Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?
When I was 20, one of my close friends was killed in a car crash. At the funeral, as I watched her coffin carried down the aisle, another friend leaned over to whisper: “At least she wasn’t a virgin.”
I had to think about it. How disappointed would I be to die without ever having had sex? I figured it would be a unique experience lost, but there are lots of experiences people miss out on. And I, for one, wasn’t going to let the fear of death scare me into having sex. I knew I would much rather endure the pain of missing out than suffer the deeper loneliness of having given myself out of love only to realize that the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.
That was 15 years ago.
Today I’m the token virgin in my group. Friends who happily have sex with men they don’t love are adamant that I hold out for “the one.” Being a virgin has become such a part of my identity, that I find myself living up to friends’ expectations on top of my own.
I’m not a prude. In fact, I might be a candidate for a Guinness World Record: virgin who has come close to having sex the most times.
I like being naked with boyfriends. I’ve happily taken on a dominatrix role and men have enjoyed it. I once answered a booty call from an Ironman world champion at his hotel room (purposefully leaving the door cracked in case I needed to yell for help). When the champion informed me that I had not “finished the job,” I told him that, considering his world title, he could finish the job himself. I left feeling empowered.
Some feminists might fault me for not having exercised my right to sexuality. However, I was willing to give up a certain sense of pleasure to avoid feelings I feared: betrayal, emptiness, the loss of dignity and control. I was inspired by the Greek women led by Lysistrata, in the ancient play, who refused sex until the men of the city promised to end the Peloponnesian War. I was trying to avoid an emotional battle.
But at the same time, I have doubts. I have given up opportunities to have sex with men whom I had incredible chemistry with, and some whom I loved.
One friend, who did “save herself” for marriage, has argued that my virgin status is not 100 percent pure.
“If you’ve had an orgasm, you are not a virgin,” she said.
“Dang,” I thought, “I should’ve gone ahead with sex years ago! Have I been wasting my time?” Was I like those Italian companies recently called out for faking extra-virgin olive oil?
“What’s a virgin?” I asked my female Saudi students during a recent women’s lunch hour at the English school where I work. “An unmarried woman,” one of them confidently answered. In other societies, the word doesn’t even exist. Waiting to have sex with one man would be considered being stingy with your sexuality, which is something to be shared with the community. What is natural and healthy for one culture is unnatural and unhealthy for another.
“My mom found her true love when she was 52,” a friend recently told me, in a poor attempt at encouragement. I didn’t want to wait until I was 50 to finally have sex! Worse, what if Superman had already passed me by, and was already a speck on the horizon?
I have always been a saver. When I was a child, I saved my Halloween and Easter candy for over a year. By the time I finally took a bite, the candy was hard and stale. I still have gift cards that are over eight years old. By the time I get around to using them, I realize they’ve already expired. My fridge is full of exotic jams, untouched and unsavored but certainly spoiled. Full bottles of French perfume decorate my dresser, their fragrance fading every year.
Is the same thing going to happen to me? What is the shelf life of virginity?
Of the men I’ve had opportunities to have sex with, there were only two that I halfway regret passing up: the soldier and the painter.
Nine years ago, I flew to Paris for Labor Day weekend to meet a soldier with whom I had only exchanged letters, emails and a few short phone conversations. After that weekend, we continued to meet and fell in love, but a series of long deployments over a couple of years kept us from having sex. Distance and time, like moths in an unworn sweater, wore holes in the relationship, until it unraveled. I save his love letters in a drawer along with my fading regrets.
Two years ago, I flew to Chicago to be painted nude by an ex-boyfriend who is an artist. The weekend was richly romantic and sexual, but masochistic in so many ways. I put myself in the bed of the man whom I had long dreamed about. Would he have been the one if I had connected with him sexually? During our reunion weekend, I never wanted someone so badly, yet I denied myself. I walked away with some sketches and left him with a few to paint from, selfishly hoping I was planting a seed for another visit. I’m still waiting.
At 35, I still want to save sex for someone who is mutually in love with me and who accepts my virginity as a gift. After so many years of holding out, I can’t change now. I just hope my hopes don’t go stale before he shows up or, perhaps more important, before I recognize that he’s been hanging around, waiting, the whole time.
Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. Ayn Rand points out that to love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love, because he is the only man capable of holding firm consistent uncompromising unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself cannot value anything or anyone.
Hollande and economic minister Patrick Devedjian shared Valerie Trierweiler as their mistress, while she was still married to her husband! Hollande was also not single at the time but living with his partner Segolene Royal, the mother of his four children and a leader of the French Socialist Party. Devedjian and Hollande knew they were sharing a mistress but somehow managed to keep a great respect for each other. Sarkozy also tried to seduce Trierweiler. However Sarkozy was turned down, which left him annoyed and disappointed. Sarko used to say: Who does she think she is? Am I not good enough for her?
Rand asserts that love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person.
Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts. Love is an evolved state of the survival instinct, primarily used to keep human beings together against harm and to facilitate reproduction.
Love can liberate us of conflicts between conscious view of reality and unconscious repressed material that can result in mental disturbances such as neurosis, neurotic traits, anxiety, and depression. Lovelorns do not enjoy sex as much as lovers. In extreme situations, they might even abuse women. Many miserable guys are accused of sexual misconduct.
MAGIC WOMAN
By Basil Venitis
I dream of a soulful woman
Someone with style and love
Someone with charm and wonder
Magic woman far above.
There is a woman out there
Someone who offers real love
Some sweetheart somewhere
Magic woman far above.
I wonder where is this person
Where is this Goddess of love
Striking in hard and headon
Magic woman far above.
Come down real beauty
Bring to me some soul love
Bring in joy to this guy
Magic woman far above.
I don’t care where you come from
When you drive to my heart
Real love will bring me freedom
Magic woman far above.
I don’t care what you do for living
Just show up for soul love
Cheer me up and keep me living
Magic woman far above.
I don’t care what you know
Know me and bring me love
Please don’t answer with a no
Magic woman far above.
Come and dance with me with joy
Bring me peace like a dove
I am a man but not a toy
Magic woman far above.
SPIRITUAL LOVE
By Basil Venitis
There is a love that never fails
A love as peaceful as a dove
A love that grows and hails
That's spiritual love.
There is a love for soulmates
A love that lasts far above
A love that always elates
That's spiritual love.
There is a love I cannot live without
A love to touch without glove
A love that I'll never doubt
That's spiritual love.
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